Confession: Maybe I Don't Like Humans Very Much

Abstract reflection prompted by a post with questions to help you solve issues in your relationship(s):

I don't like the way I feel in this relationship. I need to know that the time and energy I'm investing is worth it. I need to know that you are serious. If we rarely talk (have intimate/deep conversation), spend time doing things we both enjoy, spend quality time, and introduce each other to other important people in our lives, THEN to me its not serious and barely an active relationship at all. I don't want to get my emotions worked up if its not serious. I'd rather be single because I cannot afford the distraction of an unstable/fickle relationships in which someone is pulling on my heart strings AS IF they are serious. I understand that we are getting to know each other and usually in the beginning stages of a relationship people like to play little games and test each other then act and based on that or decide to open up little by little as their ego is more comfortable with the idea. I don't have time to give room to my ego, so I don't play games, give tests, ect. I'm real all the time and unfortunately I see the real you all the time. I usually loving you unconditionally the moment we meet for one reason or the other (one of your thoughts or the other). That means this is a critical stage in our relationship and most don't make it past this stage with me because I'm the same now as I will be years from now. I don't have an image I put off/project. So most feel like they can't figure me out because they are waiting to discover something underneath the surface but its all right there from the get go… just have to take time to explore. I understand there are supposed to be "rules" I just don't have the patience for all that… I just need to be ego free at all times. I need to be with a person who understands my destiny and spiritual needs/requirements. I cannot be in a relationship with a person who is not actively contributing to what I feel I'm destined to do while I'm on the earth. I need for things to be tangible and practical. Words mean a lot to me. Once you start not keeping your word, I'm going to stop trusting you and see you as a liar, even if it seems like a small thing to you. (i.e.. saying you're going to do something and you don't or simply talking about doing such and such yet never really making any steps towards doing such and such) I get that people do these things all of the time frivolously like saying I'll talk to you later and not calling back, making arrangements and canceling last minute, HOWEVER this is WHO I AM and what I WANT to experience in a relationship. If I don't hear from you in 3days, I'm going to think you are no longer interested. In my world, a lot happens in 3days (I'm nearly a new person due to constantly healing/working on self). If I'm more excited about you than you are me or vise versa, I'm going to withdraw myself. In my opinion, that is not healthy and means that we are not compatible. This may mean that I'll be single for a while and we can try to be friends and thats okay. I don't have many friends for a lot of similar reasons. You can't say something to me when you really meant and are thinking something else. I will know and I will grow to no longer trust you or just see you as fake. I understand that this is what most people do, most of the time, but if you tell me what you think I want to hear… I will distance myself more and more until… (you get the point). I like being by myself because I don't have to deal with all thought contradictory sensory triggers. I'm an extraordinarily loving person and most people, though they'd like to think so, are not. So Id much rather be alone and experience this profound love and the universe… the elements ect. Than hear all your fucked up thoughts while you play like you are more enlightened than you are. If I'm not by myself, Id probably much rather be around people who are fucked up and know they are fucked up. I can't be around them long though because they turn into vamps and are easily controlled by dark entities… so damn…. its sounds bad… but guess what I'M HAPPY, I'M SINGLE, I LOVE ME. I AM THE LIGHT~ (I'll figure it all out one day or hopefully meet more people like me :D)

Here is the post: (WHATS YOUR RESPONSE?)

Confession: I'm my own Enemy

   I haven't written a confession in a while because I've been afraid.  Afraid of what readers would think of me… Afraid to just allow things to flow in and out of my life.  This causes energy blockages within my body, specifically my foot chakra.  Its funny because I've never paid much attention to this chakra and now I'm beginning to realize that I am not allowing my divinity to flow freely into the earth.  In my quest to nurture my own being, I have become selfish and cut off in my mission to heal the planet.  It is time for me to start giving again.  Sometimes people are not ready for all we have to give, but who are we to judge the complexities of the glaxy, let along the universe.  Right now, I am my own Enemy and I must carry on with that knowledge to accept what is as what needs to be… to accept my divinity, my purpose, and mission.

  I guess you can say that I've been on strike, yet i know who I am even when I'm hiding from myself (so the ego thinks…)  I appreciate my ego… it keeps me humble, relatable, human.  But, I have to let it go.

Confession #10

Confession 10
I am/was a pot head.

I say am because people who have addictions usually continue to own their addictions long after years of being sober.  This is due to the fact that they need to be constantly aware of their environment ect. so that they do not put themselves in situations that will lead them back to their addictions.  Its hard to understand really if you have never been addicted to something, especially if you are someone like me who likes to speak in affirmation sentences.  That would be an affirmation that would be counter productive to the reality I want to create.  In my opinion, that would make me MORE susceptible to falling  back into that lifestyle.  However, I understand to that as long as a person is admitting that they have a problem, it enables them to do what is necessary to keep themselves from making mistakes in that area.  For example, if someone is handing me a drink and  I've struggled with alcoholism in my past… it would be much easier to resist by saying "I'm an alcoholic, I can't have alcohol."  Whereas someone who doesn't identify with having a problem would say "One drink is okay.  I'll just have one" It took me a while to get this concept, but I actually grew to understand it from watching "switched at birth" which is a Series I've gotten into watching from time to time.

I'm saying all this to say that I had an addiction to marijuana.   I think its important for me to talk about this because so many people believe that marijuana is not an addictive substance.  Even while I was addicted I had no idea that I was until I stopped. lol  When I stopped, I realized how dependent I was on the THC.  IT became hard for me to cope with stress, hard to sleep, hard to focus, ect. ect.   because these were things that I medicated myself for.  Once I realized this, I was so determined to fight this dependency I had that thats exactly what I did.  Its almost like I had to relearn how to be me.  How do I deal with this stress effectively without any substance to calm my mind?  How do I focus without any substance to help me center my thoughts?  How do I calm myself to sleep without a calmative?  For the first time in my life, I realized that there were things that I did not learn to do.  I admit that maybe during the time that I frequently medicated myself with marijuana, I probably needed it more than most to deal with the people & circumstances at the time.  But its amazing to be out of a toxic environment and to go through the process of detoxing my body.  I was surprised to find that after over 4months of not using marijuana, I still had low trace amounts of THC in my urine.  I had major anxiety to the point of reinitiating IBS.  For those who are astrologist, the fact that I have 5major planets in Virgo as well as midheaven, is valuable information here.  So those who are into astrology will see that I really actually needed to medicate myself lol  However, in doing so, I never really learned to manage my own energy… so here I am coming to another point of seeing an aspect of my life that I have not learned to master… my overactive mind/imagination.  It occurred to me, " HEY, how can I be teaching self mastery and I haven't mastered this!!!???"  It was a rough moment for me to come to realize that I had been dependent on marijuana because I really didn't have a clue.

THERE IS NO REMEDY THAT YOU SHOULD BE USING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.  Remedies are meant to be temporary.  I'm seeing more and more that even in the alternative health community that we are over drugged, even if its natural.  I'm not just speaking about marijuana either, but herbs in general and other extremes that are meant as remedies like garlic, ginger, charcoal, chlorophyl.  Its all good when you need to get your body back in balance or are actually going through some type of trauma or chronic pain in your life, but at some point you have to be balanced… at some point you should be healed of that particular thing and not go back to that unhealthy state.  That will never happen when you are dependent on remedies.  At some point you have to graduate to BEING.

BECOME A MASTER.
www.beautifulnanu.com

Confession #9

PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH(.)


I really don't want to preach to myself so…
I'll just be quiet.

But sometimes …

SHHHHH EGO!

Nobody has to know what is going on.  Secrets Secrets Secrets in House 8

What is the fear about?

My own curiosity intrigues me….. mmmm I'm enjoying myself

These mental orgasms…. mmmmm

mmmm hmmmm

Did you see that di-vineb-ety-ing.  (I lost you, its okay)

I'm GOD-- Everything I do is on purpose.
Never fear GOD… The ether. The chi. That Illumination.

4thePeople,
Godis Nanu

Confession #8

Confession:  I scare myself sometimes

I am humbled before myself.

For some time I have been operating in such fear and oppression of my own power, which so many on this planet do.  Even to this day my own personal power frightens me because I have experienced the reality that I can literally have and do what I want.   I know that I am God.  Some people believe this in theory or just incorporate into their narcissistic and psychopathic relation to others, but I know for a fact that I am diety.  It frightens me.  

I think it more so frightens me because I am aware of the responsibility that comes with all of this power and the danger I can pose for myself and others if I am not careful and respectful of that which is sacred.  I am a multidimensional being whom have chosen this lower experience for one reason or the other and a product of that decision is the ego.

The ego is like a child in the womb of my greater self.  However, at any moment, if necessary, my greater self--that which is God, can take over, although this being prefers to rest and explore… so when it is awakened… this God in me… this aspect of myself… it does not come to play.  So if my ego rebels, it will be disciplined and corrected.  If others take it as a joke, there will be consequences.

For I  am that diety, that angel, bird, god, that stands at the gate… guarding the way… assisting the poor in spirit that they might make their transition and transformation safely.

Confession #7

I'm single because
1. I have insecurities that often cause me to attract insecure men and I don't like insecure men.
2.  I'm always suspicious of those I'm in relationships with.  I always think people have a hidden agenda or seek to use me in some way which keeps me from being open and honest in my relationships.  Unfortunately this causes me to attract people who are not or too cannot trust and choose not to be open and honest.
3.  I'm overly critical of myself and others which causes acceptance issues and also causes me to back out of or cut off relationships because either the individual, myself, or the entire relationship does not meet my standards.
4.  Because of my upbringing and past hurts, I usually allow fear to keep me from fully expressing what I truly feel for a person.  Fear of being neglected and/or hurt in some way or another which causes me to run from the relationship, push the person away, or cause those exact things that I fear to occur in the relationship.

So am I truly single?  Not really because at this very moment there is someone I've been wanting to spend my life with for the past 4years, but could not because of these 4issues.  So instead of running to this person that I'm madly in love with, I constantly choose to run in the opposite direction… hoping to find a relationship in which I feel more secure and less threatened which is really someone I'm less in love with.  You can't really say you are single when someone has your heart.  You can't really love someone else or find someone else to replace that person, if they are still all you truly want.



Next Day Reflections…

After writing this post, which was a very liberating experience I learned several things that cannot go unspoken for those who are reading my blogs…

1.  Everyone deals with insecurities at times, its just a matter of knowing what your insecurities are so that when you are in a relationship, it easy for you to discern when you are dealing with some insecurity of your own.  However, it is also important to know when someone around you is attempting to prey upon that/those insecurity(ies).   When you are not open and honest with yourself about what your insecurities are, you are not in control of your emotions nor will you be able to guard yourself from those insecurities being preyed upon.  When a person feels insecure, there is always a reason so be sure to address the reason and true cause of the insecurity.

2. Trust is a very important factor in a relationship.  This is why is it very important not to rush into relationships.  Friendships should be developed.  Also, if you have a hard time trusting people, its as simple as asking the right questions. Most of the time, if you just ask about whatever it is you want to be sure of, you will be able to discover the truth.  Trust was always meant to be earned not just given away.

3.  Being critical is not always a bad thing.  The way to use this to your advantage is to really sit down and think about the details of what is important to you.  It is important to really know what it is you want to deal with and what you don't want to deal with in a relationship before hand.  Be honest with yourself, in this way, you can determine early on if the relationship has long term potential and you are not fooling yourself or anyone else.

4.  Fear is an illusion, but the danger of being hurt in a relationship is very real.  There is no sure way to know if you are going to be hurt in a relationship, however when you take the time to get to know a person prior to opening your heart completely to them, you have time to gather the necessary information on whether or not the person will value what you want to give them.  One thing I've have learned to do is to listen to my heart.  If your heart is closing up to a person, its important to ask yourself why… what is it that you need to know… what conversations do you need to have… are things going too fast.  You always want to go at a pace your heart can handle.


So about this person I've been in love with for 4years…
   Just because you are in love with a person does not mean its best for you to be with them.  We attract people into our lives to help us to evolve.  After I openly confessed my weaknesses and decided to deal with them instead of running from them… I also learned that I was attracted to that person for that reason and that reason only… to address my weaknesses… to see them for what they really are… and to deal with them accordingly.  Now it is time to release that attachment, those fears, insecurities, and lies about who I am so that I can be who I want to be and attract who I want to attract.

So is Nanu single… not really… I'm never alone on the walk of life, but I have to say this… exposing your weakness will always attract predators and since posting this I have gotten way too many inbox messages from men because some people will never understand how to truly heal and evolve… some people will never understand the process… some never intend to be anything greater than that which they are… and some people are never truly honest with themselves.  I have to say that I am truly proud of myself because this is really the only issue I've every struggled with in my life… and while some people will see your struggle as opportunity … you have to know that you have the power to master yourself… and that a warrior is in there waiting to transform whatever your situation is for the better.

Id rather just tell all the men to stop message me, but instead I will give you my check list so you can grade yourself first … you have to have everything on this check list before I will consider being with you…

1.  Financial Freedom (meaning you don't have debt and you generate your own income either through your own business, stock, or some form of residual income)

2.  Ownership (you own your own car, house, land, and/or all 3)

3.  Self Defense Training  (you are adept in some form of martial arts/self defense and know how to use a gun)

4.  Integrity (you uphold ma'at… not just in theory… but can literally read the 42laws off without lying)

5.  Knows Tantra

6.  Serious about Evolution of self and humanity

7.  Wants many children

8.  Can meet me on the Astral plane (Consciously)

9.  Vegan Diet  (atleast 85% of the time)

10.  Familiar with Neteru (actual interaction)

11.  Affectionate

12.  High sex drive

13.  Highly Selective of where he sticks his penis


These are first 13 to be considered.  Compatibility must be there.
This was fun.
www.beautifulnanu.com

Confession #6

I HATE NIGGAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It feel so therapeutic to say that.  I'm beginning to think that if ever I started with Catholicism instead of modern day christianity, I may have been stuck in religion forever because these confessions are really therapeutic lol

I think I will say this out loud a few times... 5x did the trick.  lmbo No I'm serious!!!!!!

Ignorant people and nigga(er) ways truly annoy me.  And for the record, niggerdom has proven time and time again to be color blind... so don't get all in your feelings.. you may or may not be excluded... lol lmbo

Hope ur having a grand ole day!!!
STAY NIGGA FREE!!! ctfu